The Clock is Ticking
“Unfortunately, the clock is ticking, the hours are going by. The past increases, the future recedes. Possibilities decreasing, regrets mounting.” — Haruki Murakami
Time. It either flies or it drips like molasses.
Time is also action: it’s time to eat, time to go, time to wake-up, time to leave, time to go to bed, time to set the alarm — time to do something.
Time is also a commodity that we can use or lose. And today, my dear friends, I beg you to use it until every last drop has been squeezed out of it. For one other thing about time is that it truly is very precious.
Never does that become quite as obvious as when you are at the side of a loved one’s deathbed. When someone’s time is running out. You can hide all the calendars you want and smash every clock in the room but nothing is going to stop time from advancing when it’s time for someone’s soul to leave this earth.
And boy does time really start flying then.
For me this week, there was first an early morning call from an Emergency Room doctor on Sunday morning. I was in Lake Placid and my uncle had been admitted to a hospital in New Jersey. “He’s very sick,” she told me, “and your aunt wanted me to discuss the DNR with you.”
After discussing what was going on and that I would leave right away, I had to ask the hard question: “How much time do you think he has, Doctor? Will I make it there?”
A brief pause on the line chilled my bones and she told me she just didn’t know.
“Not on my birthday, please God not on my birthday.” I kept praying as I drove like a maniac to arrive at the hospital not even four hours later. Four hours that felt like an eternity not knowing if I’d make it in time.
Fortunately my uncle’s vitals had somehow stabilized so I arrived to find him comfortably sleeping in a hospital bed. And he did me a solid and continued to keep his hourglass sand from running out on September 26, something I’ll be forever grateful for.
But Monday the 27th didn’t change the fact that he was still going to be leaving us.
We still had a lot to prepare for with not a lot of time to get things done. And that’s when time really starts to slip through your fingers.
9:00am suddenly became 1:00pm. Monday suddenly became Tuesday. Then I was suddenly escorting the ambulance van back to his home for his final rest in his bed and the 10-mile trip seemed over before I even put the transmission into drive from park.
Now time is measured by the hourly increments I administer the medicines that help keep him calm and comfortable. I see the schedule for the following day — or even for the overnight — and say a prayer that he will still be here for me to gently administer the liquid drugs that will allow him the peace he so greatly deserves. And honestly, sometimes I pray that God takes him before then as I know he would not want to be living like this.
We don’t know how long he has so every second is cherished. I tell my aunt to sit by his side and hold his hand, to talk to him even though his eyes are closed. The bills and paperwork can wait. Time with her husband can’t.
It’s a strange feeling when you know death is around the corner. I suppose in reality, it is right around the corner for all of us but in most cases, we don’t know which corner it is and how far down the block it will be.
My father was with me one day and gone the next. My uncle has been gravely sick for over two years. Two different instances of loss. There’s that age-old question of which is easier: the quick band-aid pull of sudden loss or the long, painful drawn-out illness which gives you time to prepare.
I say neither because the loss is still a loss and watching someone you love suffer is just as heart-wrenching as getting a phone call that someone you had dinner with last night is gone.
Perhaps the question to ask instead is what are you doing with your time right now while you still have it? Hopefully your answer is that you are not wasting it. That you are living your best life. That you are spending time with your loved ones or calling those frequently who don’t live near you.
I always say to love life but perhaps what I should be saying is love time. Or is it one and the same?
Time is life. And while we can beat the clock in some areas, life is one area we can’t.
So go out today and make every second count.
